A tale of two lines.

Thursday morning, 11:35am. I dash into Food Lion just to grab some cheese. Of course, I find a couple of other things I NEED among the rubble of the current renovations. (As an aside-the renovations are killing me-no signs, everything is moved around, the aisles are half the size-BUT it might look nice when its done, perhaps they can lure me back from the 'Krops-we'll see.) I'm trying to get across the street to pick Wyatt up before naptime. I hurry to the front to see that only 2 lines are open. I quickly scan them to see which one looks better.

You know where this is going. You've been there.

On the left there are just two ladies in line. The first one is at the end of the checking out process. The one behind her is propped up against the conveyor belt sullenly munching on some saltines that she has opened before buying. Hm. Not a good sign.

On the right there are about 4 people in line, but all with one or two items and the line seems to be moving briskly along.

I feel myself break out in a cold sweat. Which one? I tried the noncommittal route-standing in the middle, frantically glancing side to side-waiting to make that crucial decision as long as possible. But I knew any second someone would walk up behind me and force my hand, which just made the pressure worse.

Finally, I just made a snap decision-to the left. The lady in front was paying, and the saltine woman only had 3 items. It had to move quickly, right? RIGHT? Once I committed I started to have doubts. Then I looked more closely at the lady in the front. Oh no...she was like 80 years old.....and, oh no-the kiss of death, she was paying with a CHECK!!! I felt my shoulders slump as she started digging through a giant purse muttering something about coupons. Saltine lady looked at me, brushed the crumbs off of her ample bossom, raised one eybrow and said "You might want to go to the other line." Crap.

I glance over to the right...and oh miracle of miracles, no one else has moved into that line! And there is only one couple with 4 items in the process of checking out!! Saved!! I snatch up my cheese, hummus and other sundries and as Grandma says "I just know they're in here somewhere!" I triumphantly deposit my goods on the next line and breathe a sigh of relief. I actually beat the line gods at their own game.

But the line gods are cruel and devilish, with minds especially designed for torture. The couple has broken their purchase into two separate transactions. What? Well, still-it will be quick. He pays for his things, and then it is her turn. She just has one item, a box of graham crackers. The cashier rings them up. And then I hear the dreaded words. "These are supposed to be on sale." Sweet Jesus, no. She rings them up again. $3.99. The girl starts to get an attitude. "Oh no, I specifically looked at the sign. These are on sale, 2 for $5." The cashier looks around as if she has no idea where she is. The bagger boy offers to go look for the price and disappears. Minutes go by. He comes back, shrugging his shoulders, no graham crackers in sight. The girl is pissed now. "You can't find them? I'll show you where they are then!" And she leaves, boyfriend in tow. Which leaves me, standing forlornly in the line by myself with the vapid cashier who is twiddling her hair and looking at her nails.

Saltine lady is through. She avoids eye contact with me as she exits. Four more people have mysteriously appeared, and all in that line. They are whizzing through, one after the other and I watch them head merrily out the door into the sunshine. I hate them all.

Finally the whole crew comes back, and guess what? They ring the crackers up again. $3.99. At this point I start clawing out my own eyeballs. Then the line gods decide they've had their fun with me and it is time to move on to someone else. The cashier from my original line has to leave her station to come fix the error and closes her line, and all those people move to mine.

At least there are others sharing in my misery now. I don't feel singled out anymore. The line gods giveth, and they taketh away. And the lesson for the day? Never, EVER switch lines. That's just asking for it.